I''ve used up all my sick days, so I''m calling in dead.
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
Don''t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They''ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I''m looking for the man who shot my paw."
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don''t, you''ve told her twice already!
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Why was Phillip''s girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
What''s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
A: What, what?
Crime doesn''t pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
That''s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
You''re so hot, your ass is on fire.
There''s this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn''t go by myself.
The only thing your eyes haven''t told me is your name.
Was your Father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
There gotta be a keg in your pants, coz I wanna tap that ass.
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