Funny Wishes and Status Messages - Page 168

Q- What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

The child comes home from school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Mother to a teenaged daughter, going to party, "Have a nice time and be a good girl." "Oh Mother, make up your mind!"

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

"Doctor, My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yes, I shaved with the electric razor."

Height of Patriotism
"Sitting on an English toilet in Indian style"

Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny.

Q- What is kiss?
A. Very simple it is an inquiry in the top floor about the vacancy in ground floor.

A. This computer will cut your workload by 50%
B. That's great, I'll take two of them.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm OK, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this problem?
What problem?

A Train is about to crash. A frantic virgin strips off and says:" Can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?" So a man takes off his clothes and say, "Iron these!"

SANTA: What do you think of women?
BANTA:They are all sex objects....
SANTA:Why?
BANTA: When I ask them for sex, they object!!

WIFE: Wonderful Instrument For Entertainment.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat. How long has this been going on? Oh, since. I was a kitten!

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
Doctor: No problem. Hop up on the couch.

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

"What do u use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many but found my husband best."

"Do you love music?"
"Yes, but never mind, you may continue playing."

Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?
I can't see the agony of the audience.

Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.

"Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
"Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

A mobile is like women: Talks Non-Stop.Costs, Fortune, Disturbs When Ur Busy and when U Need Them Urgently They Hove No Service.