Funny Quotes Wishes and Status Messages - Page 2

I took a philosophy test that asked us to explain Nothingness. I left it blank. -Scott E. Roeben

I don''t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. -Woody Allen

Be thankful we''re not getting all the government we''re paying for.

A person without a sese of humor is like a wagon without springs. It''s jolted by every pebble on the road. -Henry Ward Beecher

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. -Emo Philips

I can''t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. -E. B. White

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

We spend the first twelve months of our children''s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller

Coffee isn''t my cup of tea.

I do benefits for all religions. I''d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up. -Gallagher

Outside of a dog, a book is man''s best friend. Inside of a dog, it''s too dark to read.

Sure, there''s no ''i'' in team, but there is an ''m'' and an ''e''. -Kevin Meyers

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -Dave Barry

If I''d known I was going to live so long, I''d have taken better care of myself. -Leon Eldred

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. -Billy Sunday

Smoking kills. If you''re killed, you''ve lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields

Make crime pay, become a lawyer. -Will Rogers