Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It''s $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I''ll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I''ll get you some nails and wood.
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There''s a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I''ll tell you what''s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I''ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
There was a man who entered a local paper''s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there''s nothin'' special... we just flat out tell'' em they''re gonna die...
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it''s hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I''d sure love to blow his mind."