Jokes Wishes and Status Messages - Page 59

Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can''t find a cow tall enough for a shower."

I used to be a werewoolf...
But I''m much better noooooooooooow !

1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherder who gathered his flock and heard?

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that''s okay. The soup isn''t hot.

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

Knock Knock
Who''s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much.

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system.

"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"

When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn''t wear it."

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn''t rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It''s because your feet aren''t empty.

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I''m sorry I don''t."
"Well, it''s two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can''t buy more?

Patient: Doctor, I think that I''ve bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I''ll be able to see if your neck leaks.

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn''t stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I''ll tell you when it''s raining!"

Said to a railroad engineer:
What''s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn''t have a schedule?

A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.