Jokes Wishes and Status Messages - Page 60

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?

Headmaster: I''ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that''s why it''s important to learn a second language."

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It''s a girl. She''s my daughter.
A: Oh, I''m sorry, sir. I didn''t know that you were her father.
B: I''m not. I''m her mother.

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there''s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put ''is'' after an "I". Always put ''am'' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that''s the good news, then what''s the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let''s start from your bank account.

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn''t worry me, I''m a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.

Patient: Doctor! You''ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that''s the good news, then what''s the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I''m looking for the man who shot my paw."

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put ''is'' after an "I". Always put ''am'' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn''t worry me, I''m a horse!"

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don''t know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

What''s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don''t, you''ve told her twice already!

The doctor to the patient: ''You are very sick''
The patient to the doctor: ''Can I get a second opinion?''
The doctor again: ''Yes, you are very ugly too...''
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don''t think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don''t think I know either, Sir!"

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"