Jokes Wishes and Status Messages - Page 61

You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I''m pretty. Andy says I''m ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you''re pretty ugly.

A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Submitted by Kyle Jefferson
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?

My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn''t stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I''ll tell you when it''s raining!" :)

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

I used to be a werewoolf...
But I''m much better noooooooooooow !

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen
There is a California dude going through a desert. He''s wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He''s having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

Knock Knock
Who''s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn''t rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It''s because your feet aren''t empty.

"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"

In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.

This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.

Patient: Doctor, I think that I''ve bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I''ll be able to see if your neck leaks.

(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I''m Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That''th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

Said to a railroad engineer:
What''s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn''t have a schedule?

Knock, knock.
Who''s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who''s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who''s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who''s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn''t say banana?

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don''t know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What''s the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I''m okay. It''s just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.