Jokes Wishes and Status Messages - Page 62

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn''t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let''s eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won''t go!"

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don''t know which side to write the other 5!

The doctor to the patient: ''You are very sick''
The patient to the doctor: ''Can I get a second opinion?''
The doctor again: ''Yes, you are very ugly too...''
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can''t find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

Headmaster: I''ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

Teacher: "I don''t think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don''t think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn''t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what''s wrong with you - you''ve broken your finger!"

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let''s start from your bank account.

Patient: Doctor! You''ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that''s okay. The soup isn''t hot.

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn''t wear it."

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can''t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It''s a girl. She''s my daughter.
A: Oh, I''m sorry, sir. I didn''t know that you were her father.
B: I''m not. I''m her mother.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there''s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can''t buy more?

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I''m sorry I don''t."
"Well, it''s two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.