Jokes Wishes and Status Messages - Page 65

What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room?
''Necks please!''

Last Tuesday I was in the doctor''s waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.
''Thank you, thank you, thank you!'' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. ''This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.''
''But he died last week.'' said the doctor.
''I know,; replied the young man. ''Thanks to your ...

Since I had treatment by a private doctor I''ve lost five kilos in weight. The doctor''s bill was so enormous I''ve been unable to afford to buy any food to eat.
''Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film.''
''Don''t worry. Let him rest a bit and we''ll wait and see what develops.''

Why don''t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don''t have any.

This is not fair! How could u do this? Didn''t expect this from you! Got a whole Channel on ur name and didn''t even tell me? Animal Planet!

We''ve known Each other 4 Quite a while now, do u think we can be more than Frnds? Will u be my Partner 2 rob a Bank?

Patient: ''Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.''
Doctor: ''Would you like an apple or a banana?''

I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down.
''Why do you feel that?'' he asked.
''Because,'' I replied, ''I''ve got tyre marks on my legs.''

''Doctor, doctor! Can you help me? My tongue keeps sticking out.''
''That''s good. Now, if you can just lick these stamps...''

The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head.
The doctor looked at the flower and said: ''That is quite remarkable. I''ve never seen anything like that before. But I''ll soon cut it off.''
''Cut it off?'' snapped the woman. ''I don''t want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.''

I hear that you drop some money in Stocks. Were you a bull or a bear?" "Neither, just a plain simple ass.

''Doctor, doctor! I feel like a piano.''
''Then I''d better take some notes.''

When my mother-in-law went to the doctor and complained that her nose runs and her feet smell, he said: ''I''m not surprised. You were made upside down.''

If u read dis, I''m SMART. If u save dis, you agree dat I''m SMART. If u fwd dis, u r spreading dat I''m SMARt & if u delete dis, u r jealous coz I''m SMART

Yesterday I was in the doctor''s waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
''Surely you''re imagining things,'' said the doctor. ''You''re ninety-six years old. Isn''t all the feeling for sex just in your head?''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly man, ''that''s why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.''

When the young man was being examined by the doctor he was asked: ''Does it burn when you pee in the toilet?''
''I don''t know,'' replieed the young man, ''I don''t think I''d dare hold a match to it.''

Phonebook Dilemma Why r there no phone books in China? Coz there r so many Wing''s and Wong''s, they r afraid u will Wing the Wong number.

When the doctor came to visit my aunt Claudette my aunt said: ''Doctor, I hope you''re going to tell me that I''m very ill.''
The doctor looked at my aunt said: ''But why? Don''t you want me to say you''re very healthy?''
''No,'' replied aunt Claudette. ''I feel absolutely terrible. And I don''t want to feel like this if I''m healthy. But I''m sure you can make me better.''

Patient: ''Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.''
Doctor: ''Why?''
Patient: ''Because the ugly people don''t like it when I pull their faces.''

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I''m looking for the man who shot my paw."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you''re going to want to shoot it.

Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it''s 1.5 ltr.

What''s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.

Why couldn''t the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged.

This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife''s sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me ''sign us'' for this, ''sign us'' for that.

Patient: ''Doctor, doctor! I''ve just swallowed a whole sheep.''
Doctor: ''How do you feel?''
Patient: ''Quite baa-d.''

While I was in teh doctor''s waiting room there was this tiny man only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.

Based on Newton''s 1st Law: Law of love Love neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can be changed frm one girlfriend to another girlfriend.

Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three?
Husband: 4 u and ur parents.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!