I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
My Reality Check bounced.
Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they don't have any. 1
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
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