I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
My Reality Check bounced.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they don't have any. 1
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
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