I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they don't have any. 1
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
My Reality Check bounced.
Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
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