One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 11

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it''s hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband''s away!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it''s fresh ground."

Why don''t aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn''t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What''s slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

What''s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

Husband says; "When I''m gone you''ll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I''d want another man like you!"

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

What''s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It''s $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I''ll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I''ll get you some nails and wood.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I''d sure love to blow his mind."

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

What''s the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don''t get grass-stained.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".