One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 14

There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said ''Shut up! At least we''re still on the right side of the grass!''

Broken promises don''t upset me. I just think ''Why did they believe me?''

A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said ''Your wife''s mind has completely gone!''. To which the man replied ''I''m not surprised. She''s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!''

A husband said to his wife ''Get your coat on love, it''s time to ge down the pub''. She replied ''But you NEVER take me out''. ''I''m not,'' said the husband, ''but I''m turning the heating off before I go.''

It was so cold, the town flasher ran up and described himself.

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist, ''So you want them mounted?'' asked the taxidermist. To which she replied ; ''No. Holding hands will do just fine.''

Eve to Adam: ''What do you mean the kids don''t look like you?''

Why do women get periods?
Because they deserve them.

I''d cross the hottest desert,
I''d swim the deepest sea,
I''d climb the highest mountain,
But I can''t come over tonight because it''s raining.

Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sone Hose A and Hose B?

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. ''What are you doing'' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover ''I told you he was stupid''

Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember

How do you tell an old man?
It isn''t hard.

What has 90 balls and screws little old ladies?
Bingo.

What did the german clockmaker say to the clock that only went ''tick, tick, tick''?
''Ve haff vays of making you tock!''

The graduate with a science degree asks ''Why does it work?''
The graduate with an engenieering degree asks ''How does it do that?''
The graduate with an accounting degree asks ''How much does it cost?''
The graduate with the Arts degree asks ''Do you want fries with that?''

Boss: (too employee) Experts say that humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, knock.
Employee: Who''s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

''Was your wife a virgin when you married?''
''I don''t know. Some say yes. Some say no.''

Two cows in a field. One says to the other ''What do you think about this mad cow desease?'' The other one replies ''Blimey! a talking cow!''

Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because it would look silly with six inches.

Are you allowed to kiss a nun?
Yes. But don''t get into the habbit.

Why did the punk cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chickens back.

This male prostitute contracted leprosy. He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.

What''s brown and sticky?
A stick.

You must have come from the shallow end of the gene pool.

What do you get if you cross an Irish man with a Gernan?
A man who''s too drunk to follow orders.

What''s the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?
If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

What is the last thing to go through the mind of a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?
It''s ass.

Anatomy is something everybody''s got, but sure looks better on a woman.