One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 15

What''s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
The Elephants foreskin.

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

Visiual joke. Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders. Ask: "what''s this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

How do you catch an elephant?
First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a loadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

What is the Australian for foreplay?
Brace yourself, Sheila!
And the Welsh?
Are you awake, Gwen?

Roses are redish,
Violets are blueish,
If it wasn''t for Christmas,
We''d all be Jewish.

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

You look so good you could be on Telivision. You''re already blurred.

Patrick was in charge of Bingo at his church. He called the numbers in Latin so the Pritestants wouldn''t win.

Sign on a church bulletin board: You aren''t too bad to come in, You aren''t good enough to stay out.

Do you smoke after sex?
I don''t know, I''ve never looked.

I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children''s children, because I don''t think chilldren should be having sex.

He who laughs last doesn''t get the joke.

Old jokes never die. They just sound like they do.

What happened when Jesus went up to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat him up.

(To the tune of ''Yesterday'')
Leprocy, bits and pieces falling off of me,
I''m not half the man I used to be,
Oh I contracted Leprocy.

The flood is over. The Ark is parked neatly on the top of Mount Ararat, and Noah is standing alone on it''s deck, not one animal on board. "Bloody Animal Liberation League!" exclaims Noah.

The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..."

A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you.You have cancer and Alzhiemer''s disease". The man replies "Well,thank God I don''t have cancer!"

Over the lips, and down the throat,
mat you never wake uo, next to a goat.

What''s the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years jour job still stcks.

If the makers of Star Trek bought the Mir Space Station, they would probably have to rename it Deepshit 9.

Drive carefully. 90% of the people on the road are caused by accident.

Once upon a time, when he could do it twice upon a time.

What do you call a man that doesn''t use contraceptives?
Daddy.

What''s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.

During the war, people used to say that you needn''t worry about the bombs. They would only hit you if they had your name written on them. Which was bad news for my neigbours, Mr. and Mrs. Doodlebug.

Written on a toilet roll in a public Lavatory : "Sociology Degrees, please take one."

I''ve use up all my sick days, so I''m calling in dead.