One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 16

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It''s not real bright, but it''s cheap, and spreads easy.

Why don''t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand!

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don''t, you''ve told her twice already!

this man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn''t I?

What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?
The whore says, "Aren''t you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I''ll paint the celling beige..."

why''d the monkey fall outta the tree?
''cause he was dead...
why''d the other monkey fall outta the tree?
''cause he was dead too...
why''d the third monkey fall outta the tree?
peer pressure...

What''s the dofferemce between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it''ll die.

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile." The men cheered and rattled their chains. "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet". "No kidding? How much memory will it take up?". "Not much, just two Bytes."

A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a romantic interludeand asks if he can hop on his daddy''s back. The father doesn''t see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father''s ear, "Hold on tight, daddy, this is usually where me and the postman get bucked off."

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

Why is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?
By the time you''ve finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What do you call a depressed 60 pound weakling?
A sour cream puff...

This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?
"The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end youlose your house.

When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?
The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It''s either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"

Why was Phillip''s girlfreind dissapointed?
Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television.

What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.

I''ve got some eployees who have been around here so long they can remember the Dead Sea before it got sick.

A blonde woman goes to the doctor and complains that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and says: "Ouch! That hurt". She then touches her elbow which evokes yet another painful response. She then touches her ear and complains that it is sensitive too. The doctor then examines her and says: "Well, Madam, I am sure that will be the case - your finger is broken."

Baby viper: I don''t like the vipers next door.
Momma Viper: Why?
Baby Viper: They won''t let me hiss in thier pit!
Momma Viper: That''s alright, I knew them when they did''t have a pit to hiss in!

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
"Chop chop."

What''s the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Monkey eating cherries.

What''s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don''t ask me! I''m coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I''m so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn''t so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"