One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 17

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can''t get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That''s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

What weighs eight pounds and won''t be plucked next Christmas?
John Denver''s Guitar.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and can''t find her pencil

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they didn''t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.''s.

In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called ''Nob''. - So that''s the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car because it''s too heavy.

Yo mama''s so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

This new drug Viagra takes the concept of recreational drugs to a whole new level, doesn''t it?

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she''s pregnant.
Is it mine?

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Yo mama''s so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee'' called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour lives making each other sick!"

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

I wish Martians would conquer the earth and make us their pets, I could really use a new flea leash. The one my wife uses is getting pretty darn short.

Yo mama''s so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died... Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."

While in Birmingham, England, President Clinton saluted Frank Sinatra, saying the singer and entertainer "really did do it his way''''...

I have to admit it, Jensen had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts into a workable solution. The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to change the lightbulb

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

Yo mama so old she has Jesus'' beeper number!

Yo mama''s so stupid she can''t pass a blood test.