One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 18

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I''d like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn''t looking good either.

What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you''re not quite sure why.

If it weren''t for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

Why are men like commercials?
You can''t believe a word they say.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn''t matter... he won''t come to you anyway!

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Don''t spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They''ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

Why don''t oysters give to charity?
Because they''re shellfish.

What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it''s time to go back to childhood, he''s already there.

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

Why are guys like lava lamps?
They''re fun to watch, but not very bright!

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you''d want to have with dinner.

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn''t there the first time you need him, chances are you won''t be needing him again.