One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 20

What''s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*ck off!"

In the news today...
Two Indian heroin addicts inject curry powder by mistake.
Both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka, the other is in a korma

An elderly couple was attending church services,
about halfway through she leans over and says,
"I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

What''s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?
Apparently he was out standing in his field.

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.

I was in the pub yesterday, and i saw Vincent Van Gogh in the corner.
I called him over and asked him if he fancied a drink, to which he replied. ''no thanks, I''ve got one ear!''.....

An ice cream van owner was found dead today in his van. The man was discovered under the ice cream dispenser, covered in ice cream, hundreds and thousands and raspberry syrup.
Police believe he topped himself.

What do a gynaecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can''t eat it.

Don''t buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.
It''s not big and it''s not clever.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Zen Buddhist to hotdog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

Why was 6 scared?

Because 7 , 8 , 9!

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Two lepers are playing cards.
One threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank--proving once and for all that you can''t have your kayak and heat it.

Tommy says to the teacher "Miss. would you ever punish me for something i didn''t do?"
The teacher replies "No, Tommy of course not"
"Good cause i didn''t do my homework!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist''s novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!

What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
DAMN!!!!!

Two elephants walk off a cliff...
Boom! Boom!!!

Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was fantastic.

A lorry has overturned on M6 loaded with vicks vapour rub, police have said there will be no congestion for 8 hours!

What''s invisible and smells of carrots?
Rabbit farts.

I need someone really bad, Are you really bad?
I''m not a complete idiot, Some parts are missing.
If something goes without saying, Let it.
Jesus paid for our sins, Now, lets get our money''s worth.
Be nice to your kids, They''ll choose your nursing home.
I used to be open minded, but my brains kept falling out
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

what do you call a fish without an eye?
Fssshhhhh...

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.