One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 21

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

why are footballers never invited to dinner?
answer: because they are always dribbling.

What is a mixed feeling?
Watching your mother-in-law reverse off the side of a cliff in your brand new car!

Q - Why doesn''t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts?
A - Because he has crummy legs.

What''s white and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A fridge

What''s ET short for?
Cos He''s Got Little Legs!

"Doctor, I can''t pronounce my F''s, T''s and H''s
"Well you can''t say fairer than that then"

Why do ginger people burn easily?
It''s nature''s way of telling us they should be kept indoors!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To visit its flat mate!

Why did the football coach flood the pitch?
Because he wanted to bring on the sub!

What do men and toilets have in common?
They''re either vacant, engaged or full of crap!

A ham sandwich goes into a pub and says, "Barman I need a drink"; and the barman says "Sorry, we don''t serve food here"

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
10. 1 to change the light bulb and 9 to say it shoud be me up there

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the bulb has to really want to change.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. How do you breathe through that thing

Q - Why do french people eat snails?
A - Because they dont like fast food

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ''Parking Fine.'' So that was nice."

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they "Arrrggghhh"!!

How many Peter Crouch''s does it take to change a light bulb?
Just him!

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You''re next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three! One to mix the batter and two to peel the smarties!

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb.

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says "why the long face?".

How do u get a lot of pikachus on a bus?
Poke ''em on

What''s pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife

How to make a squirrel scream? Pinch his nuts

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Are you male or female?
To find the answer, look down!!!

Q - Why doesn''t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts?
A - Because he has crummy legs.Why do ginger people burn easily?
It''s nature''s way of telling us they should be kept indoors!

What is pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?
Your mum on wash day!!!