There was a man who entered a local paper''s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight''s damn near perfect".
He never heard the shot..
A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticde. He hold up a box and asks the store manager, " Is this stuff good for beetles?" The manager replies, " NO, it''ll kill ''em"
A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can''t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Apparently, they''ve found Bin Laden, hiding in the Manchester United trophy room. He said it reminded him of his cave in Afghanistan; Large, dark, empty... and just been taken over by Americans.