Sometimes too much to drink isn''t enough.
Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
The trouble with life is there''s no background music.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
I''d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we''re through with it.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Seen it all, done it all, can''t remember most of it.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
Don''t get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It''s a lot easier on you.
Time is just nature''s way to keep everything from happening at once.
I don''t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can''t prove it.
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Lord, if I can''t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
Money isn''t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
It''s hard to make a comeback when you haven''t been anywhere.
Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
Be nice to your kids: they''ll choose your nursing home.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
Jesus loves you, it''s everybody else that thinks you''re an ass.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
Ham and Eggs: A day''s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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