One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 37

Wear a watch and you''ll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you''ll never be sure.

I''m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn''t anything in the store is free yet?

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you''re on.

Contents may have settled out of court.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

If you''re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

Photons have mass? I didn''t even know they were Catholic.

Is Marx''s tomb a communist plot?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can''t even get into my own pants.

If you''re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it''s still there.

If it''s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If you think you''re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else''s dog around.

Most nudists are people you don''t want to see naked.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I''m one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

All I ask is a chance to prove money can''t make me happy.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he''ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Marriage is not a word. It''s a sentence.