One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 38

I used to be schizophrenic, but we''re all right now.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I''m constantly bothered by bees.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don''t tell all you know.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Some days it''s not worth chewing through the straps.

It''s not who you know, it''s whom you know.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

I used to be indecisive, now I''m not so sure.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I don''t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

I''ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you''re naked at work.

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I''m moving to New York.

If at first you don''t succeed, try left field.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.