One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 5

The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..."

I''ve use up all my sick days, so I''m calling in dead.

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

What''s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
The Elephants foreskin.

I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children''s children, because I don''t think chilldren should be having sex.

During the war, people used to say that you needn''t worry about the bombs. They would only hit you if they had your name written on them. Which was bad news for my neigbours, Mr. and Mrs. Doodlebug.

Written on a toilet roll in a public Lavatory : "Sociology Degrees, please take one."

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

The flood is over. The Ark is parked neatly on the top of Mount Ararat, and Noah is standing alone on it''s deck, not one animal on board. "Bloody Animal Liberation League!" exclaims Noah.

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

What happened when Jesus went up to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat him up.

(To the tune of ''Yesterday'')
Leprocy, bits and pieces falling off of me,
I''m not half the man I used to be,
Oh I contracted Leprocy.

Roses are redish,
Violets are blueish,
If it wasn''t for Christmas,
We''d all be Jewish.

What is the Australian for foreplay?
Brace yourself, Sheila!
And the Welsh?
Are you awake, Gwen?

Patrick was in charge of Bingo at his church. He called the numbers in Latin so the Pritestants wouldn''t win.

Do you smoke after sex?
I don''t know, I''ve never looked.

How do you catch an elephant?
First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a loadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

Drive carefully. 90% of the people on the road are caused by accident.

Sign on a church bulletin board: You aren''t too bad to come in, You aren''t good enough to stay out.

You look so good you could be on Telivision. You''re already blurred.

What do you call a man that doesn''t use contraceptives?
Daddy.

He who laughs last doesn''t get the joke.

Old jokes never die. They just sound like they do.

A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you.You have cancer and Alzhiemer''s disease". The man replies "Well,thank God I don''t have cancer!"

If the makers of Star Trek bought the Mir Space Station, they would probably have to rename it Deepshit 9.

What''s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.

What''s the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Monkey eating cherries.

Baby viper: I don''t like the vipers next door.
Momma Viper: Why?
Baby Viper: They won''t let me hiss in thier pit!
Momma Viper: That''s alright, I knew them when they did''t have a pit to hiss in!

Visiual joke. Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders. Ask: "what''s this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.