The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..."
During the war, people used to say that you needn''t worry about the bombs. They would only hit you if they had your name written on them. Which was bad news for my neigbours, Mr. and Mrs. Doodlebug.
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
The flood is over. The Ark is parked neatly on the top of Mount Ararat, and Noah is standing alone on it''s deck, not one animal on board. "Bloody Animal Liberation League!" exclaims Noah.
How do you catch an elephant? First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a loadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!
A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you.You have cancer and Alzhiemer''s disease". The man replies "Well,thank God I don''t have cancer!"
Baby viper: I don''t like the vipers next door. Momma Viper: Why? Baby Viper: They won''t let me hiss in thier pit! Momma Viper: That''s alright, I knew them when they did''t have a pit to hiss in!