One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 6

Why was Phillip''s girlfreind dissapointed?
Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don''t, you''ve told her twice already!

Why is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?
By the time you''ve finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?
"The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"

Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.

"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet". "No kidding? How much memory will it take up?". "Not much, just two Bytes."

I''ve got some eployees who have been around here so long they can remember the Dead Sea before it got sick.

This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.

This new drug Viagra takes the concept of recreational drugs to a whole new level, doesn''t it?

What weighs eight pounds and won''t be plucked next Christmas?
John Denver''s Guitar.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end youlose your house.

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile." The men cheered and rattled their chains. "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don''t ask me! I''m coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I''m so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn''t so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

this man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn''t I?

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
"Chop chop."

What''s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee'' called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour lives making each other sick!"

What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?
The whore says, "Aren''t you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I''ll paint the celling beige..."

What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.

While in Birmingham, England, President Clinton saluted Frank Sinatra, saying the singer and entertainer "really did do it his way''''...

What do you call a depressed 60 pound weakling?
A sour cream puff...

why''d the monkey fall outta the tree?
''cause he was dead...
why''d the other monkey fall outta the tree?
''cause he was dead too...
why''d the third monkey fall outta the tree?
peer pressure...

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It''s not real bright, but it''s cheap, and spreads easy.

A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a romantic interludeand asks if he can hop on his daddy''s back. The father doesn''t see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father''s ear, "Hold on tight, daddy, this is usually where me and the postman get bucked off."

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What''s the dofferemce between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it''ll die.

Why don''t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand!

When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?
The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It''s either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"