One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 7

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died... Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it''s hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and can''t find her pencil

I have to admit it, Jensen had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts into a workable solution. The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to change the lightbulb

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That''s a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it''s fresh ground."

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There''s a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I''ll tell you what''s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Harry''s wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn''t blue."

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It''s $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I''ll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I''ll get you some nails and wood.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I''d sure love to blow his mind."

In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called ''Nob''. - So that''s the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car because it''s too heavy.

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.''s.

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there''s nothin'' special... we just flat out tell'' em they''re gonna die...

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn''t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Husband says; "When I''m gone you''ll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I''d want another man like you!"

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband''s away!

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

There was a man who entered a local paper''s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What''s the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don''t get grass-stained.

I wish Martians would conquer the earth and make us their pets, I could really use a new flea leash. The one my wife uses is getting pretty darn short.