One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 8

Yo mama so old she has Jesus'' beeper number!

If it weren''t for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Yo mama''s so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so ugly they didn''t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Yo mama''s so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

Why are guys like lava lamps?
They''re fun to watch, but not very bright!

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she''s pregnant.
Is it mine?

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ''800'' number to order an American light bulb.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you''re not quite sure why.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

Yo mama''s so stupid she can''t pass a blood test.

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Yo mama''s so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Don''t spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They''ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.