One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 9

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn''t there the first time you need him, chances are you won''t be needing him again.

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn''t looking good either.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She''s 97 today and we don''t know where the hell she is.

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I''d like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Why are men like commercials?
You can''t believe a word they say.

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

Yo mama''s so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn''t matter... he won''t come to you anyway!

What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it''s time to go back to childhood, he''s already there.

Why don''t oysters give to charity?
Because they''re shellfish.

Yo mama''s so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you''d want to have with dinner.

Yo mama''s so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn''t get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mama''s so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.