Latest Quotes

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

I like Kids. But I don''t think I could eat a whole one.

I''m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn''t come back for a day and a half.

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

What''s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don''t, you''ve told her twice already!

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Why was Phillip''s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

A: What, what?

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

What''s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I''m looking for the man who shot my paw."

I''ve used up all my sick days, so I''m calling in dead.

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Don''t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They''ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

Crime doesn''t pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

The world is round so that friendship may encircle it.

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.

Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.

Your the kind of friend that only heaven could have sent.

True friends warm the heart, make you laugh, smile...yes, you are a true friend.

A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.

Friendship is a sheltering tree.

Our kind of friendship is like love without wings!

I''ve nothing to offer so it''s love I''m going to send. It''s nothing that I''ve borrowed, nor nothing that I''d lend. This love that I send comes with my Lifetime Guarantee.

Love is only chatter, it''s your friends that really matter.

A faithful friend is worth more than all the gold in the world.

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so my friend stay wasted all the time, and have the time of your life!

Memories last forever, they simply never die, true friends stay together - they NEVER say good-bye.

Without humor, life sucks. Without Love, Life seems hopeless. But without a friend like you, life is nearly impossible.

Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough cash you can buy them back.

The only love worthy of a name is unconditional.

You''re the best thing since God made women.

You''re the best thing since God made men.