Latest Quotes

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A:About 45 pounds!!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

You're the best thing since God made men.

I don't know how I could have done that thing, when I love you like life itself. Please forgive me.

I can't think of anything but you.

I love you more than all the tea in China.

When God gave you to me, he planted the image of you deep in my heart.

I appreciate all the things you do, and the way you show you care.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like your unrequited love.

To love you is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

Q: Why did Banta Singh try to steal a police car?

A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

Y did US govt stop printing pamela anderson on their stamps?Ans. Coz people started lickin d wrong side!

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?



A: There is a stamp on it.

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry

370HSSV 0773H

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

If you need space join NASA!

Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love

with your smile :-)

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers