Funny Quotes - Page 102

A: An f****ing know it all.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: He couldn''t take his foot of the accelerator.

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: We don''t know. Never happens.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I''m home!

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

Why doesn''t Jesus eat M and M''s? Cos they fall through his hands.

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

I like Kids. But I don''t think I could eat a whole one.

I''m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn''t come back for a day and a half.

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

What''s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don''t, you''ve told her twice already!

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Why was Phillip''s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

A: What, what?

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

What''s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I''m looking for the man who shot my paw."

I''ve used up all my sick days, so I''m calling in dead.

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Don''t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They''ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

Crime doesn''t pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

You''re so hot, your ass is on fire.

Was your Father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?

There''s this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn''t go by myself.

There gotta be a keg in your pants, coz I wanna tap that ass.

The only thing your eyes haven''t told me is your name.

That''s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?